The Sexes

In the aftermath of the Mumbai terror attacks, one person seems to be on TV pretty much all the time. Shobha De ! She has now apparently changed the name to Shobhaaaaaaa De. ( Some numerology thing no doubt ) The extra As probably represent the collective cry of all the men who can't stand the torture of either reading her work or hearing other women talk about it.

Though it baffles me as to why her opinion is so damn important to matters of national security, it seems that every news channel is obsessed with getting her view. This comes in the wake of her increasing interest in politics and the national economy. In short, in anything real.

The former Editor of Stardust, Society and Celebrity and the father ( or should I say Mother ) of the Men-Suck-Women-Rock school of thought and writing ( with some sex and scandal thrown in ) has recently begun voicing her concerns about the state of the nation and Maharashtra in particular. She began by vociferously supporting – get this – Raj Thakeray !

In her interview with the famous/infamous Mr. I-made-Kapil-Dev-cry Karan Thapar recently, she affirmed her support for the Maharashtra Navnirman Sena’s cause. Her reason for the aforementioned support was her keen observation that she wasn’t hearing enough Marathi in the few construction sites that she’d seen. Now thaaats a reason ladies & gentlemen !
Seriously Ms. Dey ! Raj Thakeray ? ? ?

All I want to know is that if the Queen of Colaba was so against the terrorism in Mumbai four days ago, how can she possibly support a party which brazenly defies the law and beats up ( and kills by the way ) poor, work- starved UP and Bihari ‘bhaiyyas’ ?

And seriously, how many ‘work sites’ could she possibly have seen. I doubt that the serious work experience in Stardust, Society and Celebrity - which famously exposed the sexual exploits of the ‘Angry Young Men Amits’ and the ‘Jumping Jack Jeetus’ and the 'Disco Mithundas' - had anything to do with construction work or ‘true Marathi culture’.

I hope for everyone’s sake that she continues to write about how Hillary Clinton should have become President and how it was actually Sir Edmund Hillary’s wife who scaled Everest though Edmund ( the man = the enemy ) took all the credit.

Recent Readings

The Hungry Tide – Amitav Ghosh

I guess its pretty lame that I’m writing about this book considering the fact that Mr. Ghosh’s next book hit the stands almost a year back and got nominated for the whatchamacallit award.

But it took me almost a year to finish reading the Hungry/Boring Tide, so I think I won’t be too hard on myself.

The Hungry Tide is one of those books that is supposed to make you think about life and love in that oh-I’m-supposed-to-feel-moved-but-I’m-not-sure-why kinda way and make you sigh thinking about the sunset in an oh-so-gay way. ( No offence intended to gay people or people who’re not yet sure )

The gist of the story is this.

1. Man1 and Woman1 on a crowded train from Kolkatta to the sundarbans
2. Man1 – Educated city boy with ego and speaking posh angrezi
3. Woman1 – NRI who has come to India for the same reason that all other NRIs do, whatever that may be. By the way, she happens to be some discovery channel type biologist.
4. Woman1 does not like Man1
5. Woman1 and Man1 stay on the same island surrounded by muddy Ganga water
6. Extensive descriptions of the Sundarbans, their ecological significance, man-eating tigers and the muddy Ganga water
7. Woman1 ends up doing research about strange dolphins using the boat of Man2
8. Man2 – Uneducated Sundarbans simpleton who has been through pretty much every struggle in life
9. Woman1 likes Man2
10. Man1 stays at a guest house where the aaya / female butler is Woman2
11. Woman2 – Sundarbans simpleton with sharp mind. Studying hard to become a nurse. Also working to put food on the table at home. Basically Erin Brockovich without the looks, the clothes or the attitude. And we also don't know if she'll succeed at the end.
12. Man1 likes Woman2
13. Plot thickens – Man2 married to Woman2 – whatte twist !!!
14. Extensive descriptions of the Sundarbans, their ecological significance, man-eating tigers and the muddy Ganga water
15. More extensive descriptions of the Sundarbans, their ecological significance, man-eating tigers and the muddy Ganga water
16. Man1 reminisces about childhood, part of which was spent on the island.
17. Man1 remembers his first sexual experience under a tree/bush with a village female while watching a movie on the island. Father of said village female gets eaten by a tiger. Said village female tells him that story and there is a general feeling of sympathy all around.
18. There is the grandmother of Man1 somewhere in all this.
19. Further descriptions of muddy water. Seriously Mr. Ghosh ! You’re a famous writer yaar. If you say the water is muddy, we’ll believe you na !!!
20. Man1 somewhere on the island trying to make a pass at Woman2
21. Woman2 not interested in Man1, or so I think
22. Woman1 still on boat with Man2
23. Major cyclone hits the area.
24. Extensive descriptions of the Sundarans during a cyclone, the ecological impact, man-eating tigers and their behaviour during a cyclone, and the muddy Ganga water
25. Man2 saves Woman1 and dies in the process. Both realize they like each other just before he pops off.
26. Everyone returns to island after cyclone says tata
27. Man1 happy that Woman1 is back.
28. Woman2 finds out that Man2 is dead. Does not know what to do. Breaks bangles.
29. Story ends with more extensive descriptions of the Sundarbans, their ecological significance, man-eating tigers and the muddy Ganga water.
30. THE END

Bublic Egjaams

Despite popular belief, the festival most widely celebrated across the country is not Diwali or Dassera or Holi or Eid.

It is in fact the Common Admission Test or CAT as it is popularly called, which is held across the nation by the Indian Institutes of Management on the third Sunday of every November. This great event unites people of all religions, castes, subcastes and ethinicities to the common cause of wasting two hours of their life on something that actually has a 0.5 % probability of being successful – getting an interview call.

Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs, Christians, Parsis, Buddhists, Gays, Lesbians, OCs, BCs, OBCs, SCs, STs and any other living creatures which have finished or are about to finish graduation assemble across the country in various exam centres to take the dreaded exam. I took the exam for the third time in my life. The exam had its usual problems. You had to have just enough water before the exam started. The availability of water at an exam centre is not certain. Also, one shouldn’t drink too much water as one is not allowed to leave the centre even in the case of extreme lavatory-related emergencies. Oh yes, and the exam also happens to be extremely tough.

It seems I’ve lived my entire life trying – I’m still trying – to crack these ‘competitive exams’. Beginning with my Boards in 10th - my first Bublic Egjams – and then the IIT JEE ( I still don’t know why I tried that ) and now CAT. A considerable amount of time of my life has gone into trying to study for these exams and struggling to wrap my head around seemingly absurd calculations that would lead to a pretty much meaningless result. Physics was something I found particularly frustrating. There were two authors that have been single handedly responsible for the destruction of my self-confidence and the notion that I was worth my weight only in dhobi waala coal. H.C. Verma and I.E. Irodov were the aforementioned psychos.

A few of the examples from JEE and CAT prep are mentioned below.

Standard H. C. Verma Question :-

Q. No. VI a. A solid steel ball of 150 mm diameter is rolling on the ledge of a building terrace ( dimensions 15000 mm x 20000 mm x 12000 mm ). The ball rolls of the cement ledge. At the same time Mr. Sharma is getting out of his Sharuti Altoo car that he has just parked. The ball falls on the roof of the car, bounces off and hits Mr. Sharma on the back of the head. Mr. Sharma dies.

Find the height of the terrace ledge taking the depth of the dent at the centre of the sheet steel car roof to be 300 mm.

Coefficient of elasticity of steel – 22.9867 or √528.3884 , whichever is more convenient

Coefficient of death – 1 steel ball hit on the back of the head / person

Text Book Answer : 5.5 metres ( hint : the width of the terrace is given to throw the prospective IIT engineer off track ;) )

Standard I.E. Irodov Question :-

Q. No. Ώ¥.123.56 A solid steel ball is rolling with no slippage on a surface……… Find everything.

Text Book Answer : 5.5 metres ( if you are not a Ramayya shtudentt, you will not get the right answer ;) )


What I though when I read these : Mr. Sharma died. Who gives a shit ?


Standard CAT Question :-

1. Ramu, Shamu, Mona, Sona, Ravi, Mohan, Rohan, Ramesh, Meena, Leena, Reena, Mini, Nimi, Rohit, Purohit, Nilesh and Monu are to set up a bonfire in the forest and sit around it. Answer the questions based on the information given below.

(i) Ramu cannot sit next to Shamu because Shamu has piles.
(ii) Sona cannot sit next to Mona because she is a racist pig and because Mona is black.
(iii) Purohit can only sit diametrically opposite to Rohit.
(iv) Leena and Meena are twin sisters and can only sit next to their respective spouses, who also happen to be twins.
(v) Nilesh is shy so he cannot sit next to a girl.
(vi) Nimi has just broken up with Rohan so she cannot sit next to or opposite Rohan or his current fling Mini.
(vii) Mohan is a transvestite and cannot sit with his legs crossed. Hence he has to sit between two extremely thin people.
(viii) Ramu and Shamu cannot sit next to Hijras.
(ix) All the people at the bonfire are unsocial bastards.

(1) Who sits next to the racist pig ?
a. Sona b. Ravi c. Leena d. Purohit

(2) Who lights the bonfire ?
a. Nimi b. Mini c. Mohan d. Nilesh

(3) Which one of the following could possibly be a girl ?
a. Ramu b. Shamu c. Reena d. Who knows


(4) In how many ways can they sit in a circle if Ramesh can only sit diametrically opposite Leena ?
a. 5789 b. 1234 c. 789 d. Cannot be determined


Hint : Average time taken for this set of questions should be less than 5 minutes.

( Solutions booklet for the above test says : Shortcut is to substitute the answers in the question ;) )

The worst part about all this is that the select few who clear these exams actually arrive at the right answer ! Can you blame me for wanting to give up ?